OMG Guys There Are Prostitutes In the Basement!

Previously on The Year of Tom I mentioned my initial disappointment with the modern day communist’s favorite square, Tiananmen. My best advice for anyone is don’t go during the day. Instead go at night.

During one of our free afternoons I went on a little adventure by myself to see some of the modern buildings not included on my program’s itinerary. I took the metro out to the new CCTV Tower first, which seemed to shock most people in my group since the metro was certainly a maze for only getting lost and robbed. I can assure you the Beijing metro is as modern and easy to use as any system in the Western world.

The CCTV building is the future home of the Chinese Central Television network (aka censorship for the masses YAY!). While you might not recognize it by name, think back to all the super modern buildings that were all over the news during the Beijing Olympics. The tower is like a giant Z with a hole in the middle. Being the sucker for crazy modern architecture that I am, I was very excited to see it in real life.

The building itself was awesome. But like most things in modern China, there was something that completely ruined the feel of the building. During the building’s construction the construction company set off fireworks in the site and unsurprisingly set an adjacent building on fire. The burnt out shell of the structure is VERY obviously standing next to the tower, and apparently they can’t knock it down because of some structural issue that I don’t understand. On top of that, there is a hideous rusty sheet metal fence surrounding the Tower. All together it is a startling reminder of how modern, yet far behind, China is from the rest of the world.

My next stop was the National Opera House. Located next to Tiananmen Square, this building is essentially a giant glass dome surrounded by a reflecting pool to give the illusion of a giant egg. Now I’m a pretty eclectic person, and am a total believer in the potential of mixing the best elements of different styles to produce something unique and beautiful. But this modern egg thing with the pillars of communism right next to it is as awkward and out of place as I. M. Pei’s glass pyramids at the Louvre that stand as a scar on the face of Paris. On its own, the structure is very impressive, and the full egg illusion is entrancing to stare at. But its obvious that China was trying a liiiiiiittle too hard to look cool and modern without considering the rest of their cityscape.

Since it was dark out, and the edge of Tiananmen Square was just around the corner, I decided to stroll on over and take a second look. This was among the best decisions I have ever randomly made. The Square at night is TOTALLY different. First, the Square is emptied of tourists at night. Aside from the joy of not seeing hoards of people with their screaming pooping offspring dressed in panda hats, you can really see the Square in its entirety. In the middle of the darkness is a giant ten-story obelisk to the People’s Heros that seems to stand as a reminder that there is ONLY ONE party in this country, and no one else is allowed within a mile of challenging it.

Every building surrounding the Square is also lit up, and they all become much more impressive with the contrast of the black night sky in the background much the same way the National Mall in DC does. Of course, you can’t miss Mao. His giant picture at the end of Tiananmen is a reminder of the country’s love affair with the great leader.

One of the great tragedies of modern history is the Cultural Revolution. The death and destruction of just about everything by no means spared Beijing. There is a fair amount to see and do in the city, but guidebooks are strangely missing the amount of historical buildings and sites that one would expect from such an important capital. Stories of the former glory of the city left me thinking ‘Thanks Mao… asshole.’

Before I forget to mention this, we went to the Great Wall! The Wall should be on everyone’s list of ‘things I must see before I die’. Words cannot describe the enormity and sense of Place at this Wonder of the Ancient World, and I will not attempt to do so. Rather, I’ll mention a few things I liked. The vendors perched all over the Wall were relentless, and tried everything to be my friend. I kept telling them I’d hit ‘em up on the way back from my walk, and unfortunately they remembered. When you get to the sign that says ‘No Access Beyond This Point’ blow past it like a Green Peace hippy at home asking for a ‘moment of your time.’ The best parts of the wall are the sections that haven’t been restored yet, and which give you better views. Lastly, take the little toboggan track down, unless you are really fat or can’t control your speed. Obviously I raced down with my friends at top speed. This worked out until the guy in front of me tipped and fell off. The resulting crash wasn’t too bad, minus the Mike Tyson style punch my kidneys took from the cart behind me.

In all good traveling sagas the best stories usually come from random experiences, being drunk and things that go horribly wrong. With that in mind, here are a few stories I will never forget. In the random experience category we have B1. Our hotel in Beijing was very nice, modern, and warm. But not all was as legit below ground. I knew something awesome was up when I heard someone say ‘OMG guys there are prostitutes in the basement!’ Immediately I listened in to get the DL on what was up, and of course decided to go down and investigate with a buddy. On B1 (as it was labeled in the elevator) we exited the elevator to a strange scene. A concierge, bouncer, small Chinese band of women with instruments, and a line of scantily clad women greeted us. Obviously we were not welcome there as the bouncer (or concierge? There really wasn’t a difference) quickly escorted us to the gym.

After poking around the gym for a minute we got down to business and started sneaking around the floor like Scooby Doo and the gang, only with the real threat of pimps and bouncers doing us serious harm. It was a labyrinth of dimly lit rooms with couches, tables, TVs, etc. Occasionally we saw some sketchy men and a girl or two, but we knew that staring was probably a bad idea. Near the end of our wandering a bunch of women in bikinis walked past us to what I can only assume to be a room where Chinese businessmen ‘chose’ them. Convinced that we had found an exclusive brothel/strip club we finally left to tell the tale of sketchiness.

Later that night several girls heard one of these ‘women of the night’ screaming at the top of her skanky lungs in a room next to theirs. The hotel moved them to a suite the next day. Sketchy win.

One night we all went out to a bar area, and ended up at a place called Shooters. We went to ‘bond’ and somehow ended up on the falling down side of tipsy. Surprising for a group of American students right? This was relatively unremarkable except for a few minor details. One, a local Chinese guy at the bar took pictures with us. He was old and creeped on the girls, but I liked him. Two, there was a weird smoking den over the dance floor, and every time I looked up Chinese people were staring at us. Three, even outside the bar across the street with some people it was obvious when Empire State of Mind came on cuz EVERY American on the street bolted back to the bar, screamed the song at the top of their lungs, and danced like their was no tomorrow.

My favorite experience in Beijing was going to the Moscow Restaurant. In the heart of the Russian district of the city I was able to fully indulge my obsession with everything Russian. I went with three of my friends to this place, and had an amazing meal of Boyar Style beef, caviar, and vodka. The restaurant exemplified everything about Russia that I had hoped it would. First, the façade was a huge neon sign of Spasskaya Tower. Second, the place was filled with sketchy Russian people who looked like they were about to pick up their shipments of AK-47s in the back. Third, they had caviar, which was Yummy Dummy in my Tummy. The food was excellent, as was the vodka (although everyone else at the table insisted that it was rubbing alcohol unfit for consumption). Lastly, a terrible singer who sang Russian, Chinese, and English songs into a VERY loud stereo system, serenaded our dinner as row after row of half naked women danced around the dance floor. It was a very authentically Russian experience indeed.

On the subject of things going horribly wrong I was pick pocketed. I was at a bar, and it was probably my own damn fault for not paying enough attention. But at any, rate I had a few hundred USD swiped.
I guess it happens to every traveler at some point. The most frustrating part of it all is the feeling of helplessness without any cash. I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by friends who helped me out, but living on borrowed cash is not a fun way to travel. Unfortunately I had no choice but to add it onto the rapidly growing list ‘unexpected expenses’ that have been draining my savings. The only positive thing I can be happy about is that I intentionally left all my nonessentials at home (unfortunately that didn’t include my awesome 10 trillion Zimbabwe dollar), and I am now even more paranoid about being robbed.

P.S. Every once in a while something happens that makes me SO miserable that my face seems to spell ‘fuck everything’ and I immediately get my man period. One such episode was a trip to the Temple of Heaven. Lets set the scene. Its 7:30 AM (aka Death O’Clock). Outside the temperature is about freezing. I have just been pick pocketed the night before. I am hung over, and sick. Got the mental image? OK, so some genius decided to get us up at the ass crack of dawn to go to the Temple of Heaven for a ‘Tai Chi Lesson.’ I went because the Temple is beautiful, and I wanted some pictures (and maybe to learn something about Tai Chi).

When we got there we walked past a bunch of old Chinese people playing Chinese games, and doing their morning Tai Chi. We were brought to an old man who said nothing, and simply played his ‘All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet’ style music through some cassette player from 1985 as he did his routine. After a few minutes of freezing, we were invited to copy his moves and do Tai Chi. I made it approximately three minutes before my entire body said screw this, and I stood off to the side. I learned not a goddamn thing, and I took pictures for about two minutes before I booked it back to the bus.

So what is to be learned from this? One, Google Tai Chi from the comfort of your own home before you do it. Two, choose a livable hour to try it out. Three, for the love of god don’t dance around in 30-degree winds unless you have magical Chinese skin that can find some sense of relaxation from it.