The Two Year Itch

Previously on The Year of Tom I talked about my Survivor style spring break trip to Guangzhou and Guilin. Having made it to Guilin with three surviving travelers we toured the most beautiful place on earth. I must preface this entry with an explanation about Guilin. I had been wanting to visit the city for two years, ever since I watched a documentary about how Chinese landscape paintings inspired by the city’s scenery. I had been complaining about going there since about day one of my program, so when it finally happened I was ecstatic.

The city began with me feeling like death from my horrid eggs on the train, and our hotel not having our reservation. After much haggling in Chinglish we got a room and passed out for a few hours. After the much-needed rest we ventured out into the city.

Your must realize that Guilin is filled with karsts, which are basically mountains that shoot up out of the ground and are spectacularly beautiful. One famous karst has a hole that looks like an elephant, so we started there. Obviously there were temples (cuz its Asia duh), and random pavilions to rest at.

We also saw two huge pagodas that were decent looking in the daytime, but spectacular at night as they were lit up and reflected in the lake they were in. Aside from that we saw a palace like the Forbidden City only smaller, which had more karsts and temples. This was all very impressive but I was unable to really enjoy it due to the stomach cramps that came and went every five minutes. Lets just say the low point of my day involved an Asian style toilet and some toilet paper that I had to provide for myself.

The next day we took a river cruise on the Li River. Words cannot describe how stunningly beautiful it was. Never before have I built up a place so much in my mind and then been blown away by seeing it in real life. The karsts there were enormous, and made for a canyon that is the most beautiful place I have ever been to.

While my stomach was still on the fritz, I found a miraculous cure. Snake whiskey. The pale green liquid came from a jar filled with dead snakes, and some impulsive part of me said it would be a good idea to taste. It tasted different from the whiskey you get at the bar (obviously), but when combined with little deep fried fish it made me feel great.

After the river tour we got onto little bamboo rafts and got pushed up and down the river by a local. On the tour we saw Cormorant fishing. Essentially the Cormorants dive for fish, but cannot swallow them because of the collar around their neck. After a catch is made the fisherman forces the fish back out. This was really cool to see, but not as funny as the buffalo we saw.

We got to feed some buffalo grazing next to the river. This was funny because everyone was still wearing their orange life vests (thank god I didn’t wear one), and my friend had an orange coat on. The buffalo head butted my friend. When I asked my tour guide why he simply said, ‘The buffalo no like orange. Shhhh.’ I burst out laughing, as I looked around at little kids and adults alike all trying to feed pissed off buffalos.

The tour ended with a bridge where one of Microsoft’s default backgrounds was shot from, and a tour of an impoverished town of relics from the Cultural Revolution.
Now at this point our trip should have been over. Instead our flight got moved back to midnight and we were forced to spend an extra night in Guangzhou on the way back to Hong Kong. My friend Nick was having none of it and bought a ticket on a flight at the ass crack of dawn. And with that two remained.

My friend James is Korean. Which essentially meant that everyone thought he spoke Chinese, and he could hail cabs more easily. We didn’t have much we wanted to do so we leisurely made our way to an epic cave system. It was enormous, and yet again, unfathomably beautiful. In a typical Chinese way it was lit with neon lights, and visitors can feed turtles that are supposedly hundreds of years old.

After the cave we went to an epic park. The main attractions included a pretty temple, a cave we clearly weren’t supposed to go in, monkeys (that almost attacked us), waterfalls and rock formations that look like a Bactrian Camel. It was looking like our day would end perfectly until James led me into the slums of Guilin.
While trying to find a rock formation I somehow let my friend convince me to walk through some farmer’s fields into an area with the kind of abject poverty that millions of Chinese peasants live in. It smelled like a sewer the whole time, and eventually turned into the ‘Lets All Stare At The White Boy’ freak show. Fortunately I found a way back to civilization and plumbing where we promptly ran into a man humming his way down the road while staring at a picture of a VERY naked woman.

The rest of the trip back to HK was very uneventful. The only issue worth mentioning was my fight with security at the Guilin Airport. Apparently some safety bullshit rule applied to the model aircraft I had bought. It seems that planes made of AK-47 bullets aren’t allowed in carry-on luggage OR checked luggage. That confiscation of my plane was upsetting to say the least, and it’s 5 USD that I’ll never get back.

P.S. To see some epic pictures from this trip check out my photo blog here- http://tomshodgepodgepictures.shutterfly.com/

P.S.S. Ever seen the movie The Painted Veil? It was shot in Guilin.

1/3 Fat 1/3 Bone 1/3 Chicken

Traveling in China is never what you expect it to be. That is unless you expect the unexpected, and anticipate being shoved around. For my Easter break I went to Guangzhou and Guilin with some friends. Originally we had a group of five. I returned to Hong Kong with one other person. The following is our tale.

Being the travel agent that I am, I planned out our trip to the very last detail. Flights, hotels, trains, etc. Yet before we even left Hong Kong we were down a man as my best friend Marine broke her ribs while ‘hiking.’ Needless to say I was disappointed, but we pressed on anyways.

I knew things were getting worse when my friend David threw up at customs on the Chinese border. It was literally THE worst timing ever. Immigration checked him out and somehow let him into China. To get to Guangzhou we had to transfer trains in Shenzhen, and it was as though half of China was trying to go through one turn-style. It was crowded, pushy, loud and overall a terribly run train station. Ok maybe it was well run, but the Chinese’ ability to form lines is rivaled only by their ability to drive and parallel park.

In Guangzhou we wandered around the city seeing some temples, old foreigner residence, and mosques. It was interesting, but rainy and not terribly impressive. The one sight that DID leave me bewildered was an old church. Inside it was filled with black people. FILLED. I have seen perhaps a dozen black people in mainland China, so this gathering had me absolutely puzzled. Our best guess (since obvi its awk to ask someone why all dem black folk be in there) is that they were Nigerian immigrants who rip up their passports to stay in China.

Anyways, we lost another man the next day. We saw some more temples, a big pagoda, and some other random sights. The one that stuck out most was the Sun Yat-Sen memorial. The huge hall is colorfully painted on the outside, and the grounds are well kept. As though this wasn’t great enough, we met some kids from Germany in the hall. I had a little conversation with them and promptly came to a startling realization. Three years after one year of German in high school I was able to carry on a basic conversation. Yet after a semester of intensive Chinese I was barely able to communicate the number of drinks we wanted at dinner. I’ll resist the urge to rant about this, and simply state that Chinese is incredibly hard.

At this point it was time for our overnight train to Guilin. My friend David (the one who yaked at immigration) went back to Hong Kong feeling ill, and we were down to three.

Our train left from the older Guangzhou train station, or the seventh layer of hell as it should probably be called. To start there are several thousand Chinese people trying to get into the station at all times, and they all enter through about three entrances with metal detectors and tiny doors. People were screaming pushing like it was the national pastime (which I believe it to be), and right when I was getting near the entrance a woman in uniform started screaming into a megaphone directly at me from about 4 feet away.

Once I was in the station a whole host of other not so pleasant experiences followed. We thankfully found some open seats at our gate, and with about an hour before our train I wandered around. The concept of trash-cans technically exists in this station because they are indeed there. But, no one had emptied them in such a long time that they were essentially mountains of trash. The trash was EVERYWHERE. Banana peels, KFC chicken bones, wrappers, drinks, the liquid from the drinks (at least I pray it was from the drinks), and all sorts of trash were thrown about all over the place.

I had to pee so I tried to use the bathroom. Bad idea. All the stalls were simply holes in the ground, and people were squatting. I know they were squatting because the doors were wide open. Gross. The urinals weren’t much better. They were filled with Chinese people and their bags of luggage and crap they sold. I couldn’t get near them, and decided it was a better idea to just wait it out. I should also mention that the bathroom is filled with chain smokers.

Finally we waded through another mass of people to our train. The three of us had a cabin to ourselves (since we had five beds reserved). There was no power, and the TV didn’t work so we chatted and watched the countryside go by until we went for dinner.

The dining car was interesting. It was filled with average Chinese people, and an odd fat man who didn’t seem to want to wear his shirt. Not something you want to see next to the kitchen. While the selection on the menu was impressive, it was overshadowed by the fact that only two options were actually available. I had the eggs, and my friends had the chicken and rice. I would later realize how bad the eggs were as I felt like shit for the next two days. The chicken was one third fat, one third bone and a final third of chicken. Fortunately beer was in abundant supply, and it made everything go a little bit easier.

Back in our room we watched an awesome Russian action movie called Day Watch that confused everyone but made me happy. We finally went to sleep for a few hours before our 7 am arrival. While this might not sound like a great Easter break trip things were about to change in Guilin.

To Be Continued…

P.S. While wandering around Guangzhou we stumbled upon a bunch of kids at some sort of clown-college. They were all holding a string and using it to fling a plastic toy into the air. I was never close to being as cool as these kids were when I was a child. But it was a perfect example of the little awesome things that one stumbles upon all the time when traveling in China.

P.S.S. While I do complain a lot about things that are to be expected, I was equally surprised by some of the modern characteristics of Guangzhou. For instance, the metro was incredibly modern and well run. My hotel also offered free internet, which was nice to have. Especially since the English movie channel offered such mega hits as ‘Step Up 2: The Streets.’

A Heart Two Sizes Two Small

Few things bore me to the extent that sports on television do. While actually playing them is slightly more interesting, and going to a game cane be quite fun (given the right drink selection) I am poor excuse for any kind of a sports fan. That being said, last weekend I discovered a sport that absolutely captivated me.

The Hong Kong Rugby Sevens tournament took place last weekend amidst much fanfare and celebration. Having never seen rugby, my interest was only mildly piqued. But everyone (especially my French best friend) seemed to be going ape shit crazy over it so I figured I would watch a match. It was AMAZING.

Rugby 7s are like American football minus all the boring parts. I know this is crazy treason talk to most Americans but hear me out. The game consists of two seven minute halves, they were no padding, the game is in almost continuous play (which makes it very fluid), the score can change vastly in literally a few seconds, and rather than having teams from such exotic cities like Cleveland and Detroit the teams come from places like Fiji, New Zealand, Wales and Russia. The players are built like tanks, and we all agreed that of all the sports players out there we would least like to pick a fight with a rugby player.

Samoa eventually won the tournament, but I was happy with every game I watched. HK also won a top spot over Russia, and the city went wild over it (at least on TV they did). A great side effect of the tournament is that the bars were filled with an even more international crowd than usual. While I liked this a lot, a few people from my program got into a bar brawl with some Europeans. Such is the life of Americans abroad.

In my opinion getting a haircut in Hong Kong is just as scary as bungee jumping. Much like jumping the scariest part is right before its over, and you are trying to rationalize your decision. Several people have gotten butchered here, and if you have ever met me then you know how disconcerting this would be to me. So I wearily made my way to the salon that was recommended to me, and thought of my beloved stylist Lauren back home who is one three people I have let cut my hair more than once in my life.

Much to my relief the place was really nice, I got coffee, and the guy who did my hair was so attendant to my head that I think he cut my hair one strand at a time. It was not the same as the US, but considering where I am I was thrilled that I didn’t look like an Asian nerd (aka like 90% of everyone here). Unfortunately my roommate did not take my advice to go there, and he ended up on the hilarious side of funny looking.

In other news, my life has been pretty boring since Thailand. I’ve mostly been doing work, planning the rest of my semester, and trying to budget myself for two more months of travel, eating, and all the other essentials. On a very bad note I lost my Blackberry. Needless to say I was devastated and extremely pissed off. Fortunately my awesome parents are sending me a new one. I cannot convey how awesome parents are. I hear people crying and yelling at people back home, and I really don’t understand how you can get so upset with your family at a time when you are half way around the world from them.

P.S. I feel that I should at least mention some observations I have made about the people I have seen studying abroad. They have both confirmed and shattered many of my expectations of a group of American’s studying abroad. On the one hand I have seen a lot of good things. There are people here who are very committed to their studies, who are open to pretty much any experience and who exhibit considerable self control. On the other end of the spectrum even I have been shocked by people here. So far people have been arrested for trying to buy weed, ended up in the hospital from their bar brawls and fist fights, bones have been broken by drunk people falling down, people have ended serious long relationships to get a little action here (both paid and unpaid), and rather than not pay attention in class people just don’t show up at all. The disregard for all sense of self-control and courtesy towards others is admittedly something I expected, but still shocks me at times.

While I am admittedly far from being a saint myself, I can proudly say that I have not been arrested, in a fight, or broken any bones… yet. I put in a decent amount of effort into my classes, and don’t have much of a problem getting to class. I say this not to judge, but merely to convey what I have seen here. It is really like college on drunken steroids.

P.S.S. Hong Kong people are awkward. I have never seen a group of people who are so awkward (and I’ve met some pretty hard core Jesus lovers). I won’t go into the reasoning behind this, because I could write an entire essay on my pet theories. I will just give one example that happened the other day.

On the metro a woman wheeled a man in a wheelchair onto the train. The man was obviously in some sort of vegetative state, and had no control over what was happening to him (as evidenced by the gross bag his catheter emptied into on the side of his chair). While usually this is only moderately funny to the assholes of the world, something that you would only see in HK made me almost lose it. The woman had put a furry smiling panda hat on the poor guy, and the floppy whit ears were connected under his head. No one on the train seemed to see anything amusing about this. I on the other hand (having the two sizes two small Grinch sized heart that I do), had to use every once of self-control I had not to burst out laughing. It was so unexpected and awkward that I couldn’t help but laugh uncontrollably to myself over the poor guy. Call me a horrible ass hole if you want, but just try and picture this in your head and see if you don’t at least crack a grin.

P.S.S.S. For those of you who enjoy the poor English translations to be found abroad, check out this sticker that is on every cross walk button for the blind. I mean, don’t they already have it hard enough being visually impaired?

Photographs Finally!

So I finally got around to getting my pictures online. It covers everything I have done so far. Hopefully it will explain some things I didn't explain well :)

http://tomshodgepodgepictures.shutterfly.com/

One Small Step For White Man, One Giant Leap for France

I have spent several St. Patrick’s days abroad. I did not think I could find a place that would care less about the holiday/be as boring as Brussels. Then it happened in Hong Kong. Apparently I was the only one in the city who enjoyed a few Irish Coffees in the morning and a glass or two of Jamesons in the afternoon. Partypoopers. At any rate, I bounced through the metal detectors at HK International on that fine day of holy drinking in honor of St. Pat to go to Thailand.

The government had been on the verge of collapse for a few days since the red shirt-wearing farmers stormed the streets of Bangkok. Fortunately we were headed south to Phuket and a place called Krabi. While I am disappointed that we didn’t go to Bangkok I’m sure I’ll make it there someday.

The drive to Krabi from Phuket took us through some beautiful scenery. In short mountains are everywhere and shoot straight up from the ground. I won’t bore you with the details of how that came about, but just know it was pretty. Remember the island Scaramanga’s lair was on in The Man With the Golden Gun? Yeah, it was near our hotel. WIN. Unfortunately I couldn’t convince our group to go there ☹

Our first day was pretty uneventful. We went to the beach, saw the surrounding mountains, and had some great Thai food. My biggest shock was realizing how much of a Muslim population there is in the south of Thailand. I heard the call to prayer several times, and saw numerous mosques. This also helped explain the giant ‘Fuck Israel’ graffiti we saw at the beach.

We took a touristy tour the next day, and it was a reminder of how intensely white I am. We canoed down a river to some caves, and poked around there. It was pretty except for the fact that I was disgustingly covered in sunscreen and bug spray the whole time, which didn’t mix well with me sweating profusely. But, after our day of grossness we DID have some excellent Thai food.

Despite the grossness that covered my body for pretty much the whole trip, we did do some cool things. For instance, we rode elephants. I was terrified I would fall off into a river at first, but eventually I got to drive the beast and got some pretty awesome pictures.

We also got Thai massages. I guess its something you HAVE to do in Thailand, and it took a bit of convincing me to partake (I’m weird and don’t generally like massages). It was interesting. And by interesting I mean painful and awkward. All the women were laughing at us and making fun of us in Thai. I suppose that was because of how obviously not flexible and tickelish we were. At any rate I was in pain for most of it (thumbs digging in the back = ow), and was slightly annoyed that we couldn’t at least try to enjoy it in silence.

The one thing I absolutely had to do on the trip was see some Thai temples and shrines. To that end we went to the Tiger Cave Temple. It wasn’t exactly what I expected, but there were some cool Buddhas and shrines around the mountain and in the caves. The coolest part was the epic stairs that seemed to go straight up the mountain that afforded beautiful views. I hoped that I would be ok with their heights after my bungee jump…. I wasn’t. That fear of heights is here to stay.

On our last day I went out early with some friends to try and see the type of architecture that we thought was a temple (or at least some cool kind of building). Our cab took us towards the beach until we pointed him to the cool looking building. He then looked confused and asked us if we wanted to ask about a rate. Turns out it was a hotel, and we are idiots. But it was still the type of Thai architecture that I had in my mind, and I was satisfied to see it.

The two best experiences of the trip were without a doubt Thai boxing, and Thai pancakes. The boxing was awesome for a number of reasons. First, there are nine matches at each event. And the first/last two are little kids. I mean like eight year olds kneeing and beating the hell out of one another. I felt horrible watching, until I saw all the screaming Thai people. It was in that moment that I realized why I studied abroad in Asia and not Europe.

The rest of the fights were filled with Thais who literally kneed, kicked and punched each in the face and sides until the other one got knocked out. One guy had to be dragged out of the ring. Win. Our favorite fight was a French guy vs. a Thai. It seemed like the Thai was gonna beat the hell out of him until Frenchie pulled a reverse roundhouse kick to the face. It all happened in a mere second, and it was awesome. My French friend was super proud, and we all were amazed that France actually won a fight.

The Thai pancakes happened after chilling on a sandbar with two friends collecting seashells and swimming (and by swimming I mean floating and avoiding touching the muddy crab filled bottom cuz these beaches were not the white sand beauties I had expected). They were essentially crepes, but were made on a stove on the side of a motorcycle. Mine had egg, tuna, onion and was topped with ketchup. It was the best thing I ate the whole trip, and I was severely disappointed when we couldn’t get more the next day due to miscommunication on when we were leaving.

Overall it was a nice vacation. I am definitely glad I got to see that part of the world, but was happy to return to Hong Kong (seriously I need cooler weather and clouds).

P.S. If you ever see Singha beer give it a try. I’m not a huge fan of beer, but the Thai brew isn’t bad.

P.S.S. Thai massages cost about 6 USD in Thailand. If you are ever there spend 12 USD to make it better. Spend six on a few drinks before, and six on the massage. At the very least you’ll feel less pain and might actually be able to laugh at your pain/awkwardness.

Video Proof I'm Stupid

http://vimeo.com/10199833

I Do and Say Things I Probably Shouldn’t

There are two ‘Special Administrative Regions’ in China, Hong Kong and Macau. As the Las Vegas of Asia, Macau occupies little more than 11 square miles and has a population of about a half a million. I spent a weekend there with some friends and thoroughly enjoyed just about every moment of it.

I hopped on an early ferry with my friend Amanda to start the weekend off by conquering one of my fears, heights. Macau Tower prides itself as having the ‘worlds highest bungee jump’ at 233 meters, and I was on a mission to take the plunge. Predictably I got more and more freaked out as I got closer and closer, and by the time I purchased my non-refundable ticket I knew I was making a dumb ass decision.

I hate heights. HATE them. I don’t even like the feeling of being on a ladder. So when I got to the top of Macau Tower and looked though the glass floor I seriously questioned why I even bother going to college because I am CLEARLY too stupid to live. As those of you who know me are aware, I have a tendency to do and say things I probably shouldn’t. And this was no exception to that.

The process of jumping is terrifying. First, you sign a few forms acknowledging that you are retarded and could die. Then they put you in a harness that doesn’t seem like enough, yet is so ‘snug’ in ‘certain areas’ that you can barely walk. Next, you wait for about 20 minutes as other people take the plunge. They place rockin’ dance music the whole time, so (like most memorable moments in my life) I distracted myself from the fear by dancin’ it out. Finally, you are allowed outside where they wrap your ankles with a strap.

When you jump your main point of connection with the bungee cord is at the ankles, yet in order to not get lowered head first after the jump you have to lean up and yank a strap the changes your point of connection to your chest harness. You must do this in midair, and I did not like that at all. Once I was reassured that no one had ever died there I made my way to the platform.

Standing on the edge is without a doubt the worst part. As you get closer the cord attached to your ankles starts pulling more and more, and when you are at the very edge the ass holes that make money off this make you look at a camera and wave. Seriously they can go to hell. Standing on the edge of a tower thinking about my impending impact with the pavement is NOT when I want to take a damn picture.

Anyways, in a very Christ like way you spread your arms out and listen to them countdown. You must fall forward yourself, and that little voice in your head that says ‘maybe this is a bad idea’ is now screaming ‘THIS IS A REALLY STUPID IDEA DUMBASS!’ You accelerate for a second or two before hitting your terminal velocity and then just fall at a constant pace. I cannot remember a time when I felt so exhilarated and alive. When you start to oscillate back up it doesn’t hurt at all, and I mostly kept looking down wanting to be on terra firma. I guess the best way to put it is that bungee jumping goes against every logical bone in your body, and I really want to do it again.

After my jump of insanity I met up with the rest of my friends at the Venetian hotel (like the one in Vegas). The hotel was your typical huge casino, and we all had a wild night of gambling, bubble baths, Fat Burger, looking classy, and sipping drinks. We might have ended up walking around outside and through the casino floor in bathrobes, but it was Macau and we were white. Who’s gonna stop us?

The next day we somehow managed to get out of bed, and toured around the city seeing the sights. Macau was the home of the Portuguese merchants in China for hundreds of years (until the handover in 1999), and was the gateway to the important trading town of Canton (now Guangzhou). Around the city are some cool reminders of the colonial past, as well as the glittery casinos of today’s economy. The highlights are as follows…

The Grand Lisboa. The casino/hotel is the most recognizable in Macau, and is shaped like a pineapple. Golden awesomeness on the outside, and 70s disco dance club on the inside. It was obvi my favorite building (who doesn’t like pineapple?).

The Ruinas de Sao Paulo. It’s a façade of an old church that has long since crumbled away. I had never seen anything like it, and it was only marginally more awesome than the spiced fried chicken at the bottom of the hill it sits on.

The Largo do Senado. The name translates to the Loyal Senate, and remembers the Portuguese senate in Macau that refused to recognize Spain’s dominance during their occupation of the Iberian Peninsula during the 16th Century. Its basically a street and square with a cool pattern that is surrounded with bright colonial era buildings.

OK enough rambling of places and history. An amusing note is a plea from Macau’s mayor during the mid 90s to increase tourism when the gangs and triads ruled the city. His note was basically that Macau is very safe for tourists. The assassins are so good that their bullets never miss!

The city can basically be seen in a weekend, and I would go back in a heartbeat if given the chance. Everything from the modern casinos to the colonial building lined streets was a pleasure to experience. Of course, I would only go back if I could bungee jump again! I still cannot reconcile the fear I have of it and my urge to do it again. Logic apparently doesn’t happen with me.

P.S. As I type this I am watching a Chinese News program that is showing footage of the unrest in Thailand. Apparently the government is being overthrown or something. Whatever. Since I leave for the country in two days I’ll probably have to figure out what the big deal is. Anyways, I’ll write something about it when I get back.